"I gave her my heart, she gave me a pen" Lloyd

In light of the Oscars this last week, whether or not you ogle the gowns or sigh at the trying to be funny but not funny moments, the commentary from celebrities on why they enjoy or what they think makes a great movie was interesting.  There was a thread that focused on the truth.  The truth of the characters and staying true to the story.  So here is my “you can’t handle the truth” I suck as a person moment.  I guess I am not as strong or together as I thought now that my life has changed so drastically and the end is in sight.  I moved to another state, found a new home, enlivened old friendships, found new friends, new bed, new underwear, new yoga studio and landed a new dream job.  After the twitter incident, I haven’t been back to view their feed, yet my mind is still overwhelmed by the normalcy of their lives.  The truth is there is no justice and it is not the American way.  I grew up with the movies where the underdog prevails and the hero overcomes the villain and we all know “don’t mess with the bull, young man, you’ll get the horns”.   As the end draws near, the lack of karma, them being struck by lightening, or better yet a horn, is beyond maddening.  Here is the truth of my character, with this provoked frustration; I decided to Google her family.   Go ahead gasp or if it was the movies you’d her the famous don don don.   I know, I know why am I wasting my time, what do I care, really it took just a few moments on the “world wide interweb”.  In contacting them I could warn them of this wicked character before he penetrates their family and creates another wave of emotional brutality.  I wish so badly someone would have warned me about him, although “life is like a box of chocolates you never know what you’re going to get”.  (Okay cheesy but it goes well with the movie theme.)  If I write to her family they would know his true nature and hopefully encourage their daughter to terminate their relationship. Ultimately hurting him, as she is the only thing he has, “sometimes being a bitch is all a woman has to hold on too”.  Hurting him won’t make a difference in my life.  A deep breath, a sigh, some great friends and a little Wooderson “you just gotta keep livin’ man, L-I-V-I-N”.  The truth and reality in this movie ending, I didn’t send anything to her family and they are riding off into the sunset.  There isn’t an underdog or hero in infidelity, it is a sad part of Americana but not the one I grew up with.  What is real is that I yet again find myself out of character to be someone I am not and once more disgracefully sharing the truth of my awful and weak moments in this story.  I bent trying to save my marriage and bent just a little trying to selfishly enact justice.  “There are two types of people in this world: those who like Neil Diamond, and those who don’t”.  When faced with the pain and hurt of betrayal and divorce it’s always good to remind yourself, who you are.  

The man who fears no truth, has nothing to fear from lies- Thomas Jefferson

The papers are getting somewhat close to final.  There is a mix of overwhelming elation and at the same time an uneasy sadness.  As I am sure you have all guessed, the angst is not about him or any regrets of leaving or immediately ending our marriage.  It is more a grief for the loss of the marriage I wish I had had.  Failing at something, even if I now know, it probably never would have worked, does not feel all that great either.  I have been caught in this strange darkness between the sun setting on a life filled with lies and betrayal.  Now I live in that hazy glow of Twilight when the moon and stars have set, the water takes on the color of indigo and the sky is a hazy warm blue grey.  There are not any vampires or werewolves here, there was an evil to this story but I got far away as soon as I saw his true nature.  No team Edward or Jacob.  What I face now are the wonders of what my life may hold.  In finalizing the last of the papers there were emails sent between the mediator, para-legal and my soon to be ex.  His response email was terse and clearly said he was only in town one day the next week to provide what they were asking.  Their response stated he would need to sign more items.  With in a few hours his next correspondence he stated he would be in town all of next week and be available.  I had to laugh.  There was no point or reason to lie to the people facilitating our divorce.  I have struggled over the past months reconciling with how easily he lied and manipulated my life.   Mulled over our life together to understand when it may have started, how many women, our moments together, our moments apart and how I came to be where I am now.  It’s crazy to think I will never know the truth of my last almost eight years with this person.  This simple lie between him and the divorce team was absurd and unnecessary.  I can only surmise that lies flow so readily from him, in everything he does.  This is going to sound crazy but I finally felt “not alone”.  My family and friends have been an amazing source of support and all have tried to offer the comforting words of, “you are not alone”.  Yeah I know, 50% of marriages end in divorce. I have reconnected with a few friends and we have lamented over our shared experience of divorce.  Although I still felt isolated as each situation is unique.  This nonsensical and pointless lie from him to our divorce team was the moment I finally didn’t feel alone.  I realize I was most likely one of a very large group of people he so effortlessly and has continuously lied to.  If he lied to his wife and divorce facilitators, I can only naturally assume it extends to friends, family, colleagues, business associates, daughter and I can clearly prove to the mistress.  Especially after seeing a large portion of their communication. The enlightenment from this moment is the “was”, unlike anyone else still in his life; I have eradicated myself from that group.  Okay, I’ll admit I’m on team Jacob.  The truth is the sun is going to rise and I will cherish watching the sky light up in all its magnificent hues.  If there happens to be a guy that looks like Jacob with a hot cappuccino that appears on that sun filled horizon, I'll take it. Oh add a chocolate croissant.

Waiting, not so patiently.

Valentines day is going to suck no mater how hard I try to focus on the positive.  That’s what happens when you find your husband’s Skypes with his mistress and read through most of them.  It doesn’t bother me that they are together this year but I keep thinking about the Skypes I read from last February about the lingerie he purchased her.  The wife didn’t even get a card last year and I also didn’t know about her until August and that was last February. Then of course tonight I get the final papers to sign so they can be sent to the judge, but the kicker it stated it would be another 6 to 8 weeks before it will be absolutely final.  Yeah happy valentines day.  I guess it was more than I got last year and it is good to know there will be an end.  Glad that I have a few bottles of wine on hand. Seriously Saint Valentine if you don’t come up with an amazing 2013 I will come after your adorable little cherub ass.  I was getting excited about dating and started checking guys out (even outside of my yoga classes).  Even purchasing speed dating tickets for myself and a very supportive and brave friend.  I know I don’t have to wait, obviously he never did, but I really don’t want to go on a date holding his last name.  That’s right little mistress Racheal I am still his wife, I still hold his name but I can’t wait for you to fully win every part of him, sweetie you deserve it.  I really wanted to be the amazing person who can put it all behind them and not look back.  Hell I feel like I am handling it all pretty well, I am not in rehab like Demi and didn’t go after him with a golf club like Elin.  I wish I could channel my inner Sandra or Aniston and be above it all, but the news of 6 to 8 more weeks is aggravating.  Maybe if I wasn’t lied to and manipulated for who knows how long, I could be above it.  But since I am not, they don’t get a free pass without consequences and it will be fun to remind them.  I am sure a few glasses of wine will illicit an appropriate and momentous tweet.  Phew, already feeling better after this ridiculous emotional rant.  Obviously I am not that excited about the manufactured holiday but I do love, love.  The moments that make your heart lurch, butterflies fill your tummy, weak knees and smiles bigger than a canyon.   Happy Valentines Day to those who are truly in love and don’t cheat.   

Objects of war and peace.

Two days after the fall off the twitter wagon, I was at the London Modern Museum of Art.  It was fun loosing myself in the different exhibits but one called objects of war by Lamia Joreige had a great impact.  The artist compiled a series of interviews about life during the Lebanese war.  Each person interviewed spoke about an object that reminded them most of the war.  Some of the items displayed were a guitar, teddy bear, perfume flask, photograph, a child’s drawing, among other everyday items.  Their different accounts of the memories they shared both good and bad were carried in these objects.  Life is incredibly curious as there is always something that quickly renders me back to what is important and truly matters.   Divorce isn’t easy and yes it plainly out right sucks but I live an amazing life.  I am not in a war zone and I have the ability to live in a part of the world where I have an abundance of freedom.  While I recognize my plight is trivial comparatively, I started thinking about my object of divorce.  He is tied to all of the items I moved from what I thought was “our” life and into my new life except one, my yoga mat.  It was propped by the door, I used it almost everyday, it was in “our” space but he never touched it or moved it.  Everyday my practice was my time, every time I stepped on my mat it was for me, every breath and movement was mine.  Throughout that last year I  strayed from who I was and began morphing into some cross between June Cleaver and a Stepford Wife to connect with my husband, take care of his daughter and save my marriage.  My yoga mat is the object I took relief in during this last year, it is the one portion of my life that was mine.   Everything else was for him.  Everyday my mat has challenged me to push deeper and farther to continually elevate my mental and physical strength.  It supported me through those darkest of days.  As I bowed into my first sun salutation, my tears would cease and my mind stopped thinking about “them”, what “they” had done, what “he” had done to me.  Yep I cried right there in class, not very June Cleaver like but no one judged.  I cried for the first few weeks at class and my mat gave me a space to process, escape and just be.  It is my solace, my pursuit but not one that has to be hidden from family, friends, husband or step-daughter.  My passion and dedication is to something healthy and respectable.  I am extremely grateful that I had a pastime that allowed me to escape from the chaos of all the emotion, change and turmoil.  Most importantly through the recent months it has brought me to a place of acceptance.  To accept who I am, that I failed at marriage, that I no longer own my own home, that I don’t have my own children, that I don’t have a partner in life, that I am clearly not June Cleaver or a Stepford and have never baked a pie.  Through yoga I have reconciled and taken responsibility for my own faults as well as found compassion for myself on this journey.  My mat is my object of peace.

The twitter aftermath.

As my last post mentioned I checked both their twitter feeds.  Incredibly annoyed at their half-truth of postings of a normal happy boyfriend and girlfriend.  Life is a full spectrum and it is interesting that through this social media we control the refraction that we allow others to see.  Even in this blog, yes I have been unabashedly transparent, but it only reflects one area of my life.  Their twitter chatter was intimate and cozy, I guess it should be they have been dating for well over a year, and he is still married.  Alright here are the juicy details you really checked the blog to see.  The second time I looked there was a post from her “I have been really into facebook again, and not twitter.  I feel like I am cheating”.  His response “don’t cheat….twitter is better”.  Seriously, like I could resist with those types of comments.  My response “you both are so good at it. Can’t wait to see who caves first”.  And of course another I couldn’t resist.  Her post from New Years was a picture of them that said, “I win”.  My response was “A lying, cheating, husband, you are so winning”.  I know I should have been the bigger person here but it felt good to remind them that their callous actions had an affect on many people’s lives.  A reminder that they possess an appalling capacity to manipulate, lie and hurt others so easily.  My actions here were selfish and obnoxious, the ugly refraction of who I can be. All the while smiling wickedly.  Now I am done and will continue on with my twitter sobriety.