The truth and a star trail of possibility.

Last years most treasured birthday gift was the truth.  It was a year ago today I discovered the real man I had married.  Last year on August 3^rd, the night before our four-year wedding anniversary, my then husband told me he didn’t want to have children.  Those of you that know me can attest to my dreams of having kids of my own and my outspoken nature on this subject.  I knew when he said those words to me it was over; he knew saying those words to me our marriage would be over. Although it was no longer about children but the person sworn to be my life partner just told me he would not support one of my most cherished dreams.  After days of numbness and swollen eyes my birthday came upon us.  We kept up pretenses and he took me to dinner and his daughter did a wonderful job trying to make it what a birthday should be.  Then a few days later there it all was on his computer, the typical office assistant affair.  His complete lack of balls and any semblance of truth really would have made the children thing an issue.  Hence last years birthday wasn’t really a birthday, I think my wish was to get through a day with out having an emotional breakdown especially in public where everyone says the obligatory “have a good day”.  Right about now I would probably jokingly say something quirky about not counting it and turning 36 again.  This last weekend was the preseid meteor shower, my birthday and a trip to Wenatchee with friends.  The immense lightness I felt in my mind and in my heart watching bursts of light trail across the sky was magical.  If the universe can create this enchanting and captivating moment it gives me the feeling that anything is possible in my own life.  I know it’s my rose tinted glasses and growing up as a Disney delusional kid the “when you wish upon a star” and all.  Coming full circle from the dissolution of what was my marriage, heaviness, pain and difficulty to liberation, happiness and a world of possibility.  This birthday I appreciate a little more than the rest, I grew in ways I never knew were possible.  This year I celebrated with great people, laughter, surrounded by the mountains with falling stars and knowing that my life is limitless, just how a birthday should be. Over the past year recognizing and rediscovering that I have an amazing family and incredible friends that support and nudge me to fulfill my dreams is the best gift ever.  While I love a present ultimately I treasure and cherish the unwrap-able kind.  This year was a very happy birthday.

So this is happy :)

Back into my daily routine after several trips, I get up early play with the dog at the beach and hit yoga.  Then off to work where I am being creative and challenged all in good ways.  After work hooking up with friends, family, neighbors and dates.  I am the one next to you on the freeway rocking out in my car, singing in the shower, dancing at the bowling alley, endlessly laughing and smiling.  And of course there was that really fun make out session.  In therapy the other day I mentioned that I thought I might be walking down a bad path of being immature, irresponsible, not focusing on the future or possibly reliving my early 20’s.  My therapist laughed and said you aren’t doing drugs, you aren’t abusing alcohol, you have an incredible career, a strong network of family and friends, take care of your furry dependents and financial obligations….did you happen to think that you just might be happy.  You are living in the present.  There is a feeling of enlightenment and it finally hits me, this is what all the ancient proverbs, yoga books and many writers attempt to describe.  Of course the over comfy couches, the warm room and I start tearing up.  How could I have forgotten what true happiness felt like?  How could I have gone so long on edge in a strange paradigm that was my artificial marriage?  Imagine spending one more minute, even one more second in my unbeknownst sham of a world and missing out on these moments.  It hurt like hell to find out, my now ex-husband, had an eight month affair and cheated throughout our relationship.  It has been embarrassing, shameful and I still hate that I was so naïve.  Throughout this horrible journey I knew that discovering the infidelity was the best thing that could have ever happened.  I never knew it would lead me here to happy, an old friend I had lost for quite sometime.  Living in the present is a true gift and yes, ultimately would like a partner, another house to call mine, and of course kids.  But right now I am joyful and know true happiness.  Thank you again to my incredible family and friends, you mean the world to me.  That’s right happiness and I are back together again. We just friended each other on facebook and we’ll be posting our instagram photos together soon.  I think the toaster filter will capture this occasion perfectly.  

I kissed a guy and I liked it!

Mom and Dad please skip out on this one.

When I was younger I adored making out with boys, as several of you may know.  That first look you share that has a spark, the shy lowering of the eyes, the quick look back, the decision to initiate a conversation, the flipping of the hair, the light touch on an arm, I adored flirting.  What woman hasn’t seen every episode of Sex and the City?  It was always fun to identify which character you aligned with in their different encounters of the opposite sex.  My story doesn’t include any of the posh restaurants, glossy conversation and not one piece of clothing, shoes or even a handbag you would find in Carrie’s closet.  I happened to be traveling for work and met up with a friend just to hang out and catch up on life.  She had some great friends in this little town and we hung out with several through out the day, some of them guys but I never really thought anything of it.  As many of you know through my previous posts, I’ve seen a few guys here and there and appreciated their good looks and well toned physiques (I love yoga).  Through these many months and almost a year of being separated and then divorced I hadn’t really thought of physically being with anyone.  Yes I have been on a few dates but was still petrified of just dating that the idea of it really “going” anywhere was a complete void in my mind.  The goal was just to make it through the awkward first meet, do we shake hands, do we hug, and the hope that the conversation won’t have those long uncomfortable silences.  I never thought about the end of any of these dates either, I couldn’t even wrap my head around could there or would there be a kiss.  Just writing this I am already feeling clammy and sweaty with the prospect of what could be.  Being out with this girlfriend and her friends was a blast, hilarious conversation, dancing all night and no expectations.  All of a sudden a wrapped arm finds it’s way around me pulling me close and I am a bit startled.  He is much younger but I don’t pull away, it feels nice.  I haven’t had an arm around me like that in what feels like forever.  I am smart enough to know this really doesn’t have anything to do with me there really weren’t any sparks all day and night that we hung out.   There was inner turmoil, a Charlotte type voice in my head, mentally checking to make sure I played by the rules.  Reconciling that I was an adult, officially divorced and could do what I want.  But that arm and being close to a guy was great so I turned around and I kissed him. I didn’t care if there was or was not a real connection and sadly didn’t care what this guy thought, I just wanted to make out.  I finally reconnected with a tiny bit of my inner Samantha.  I find it fascinating and mind boggling that I still had trepidation kissing a man well after being divorced.  How was my ex-husband able to do this, much more and even carry on a relationship while being married?  All I know now, who cares!  Those sweet kisses reminded me, I can do what I want, and I am attached to no one.  I know I titled this blog with this statement but I am saying it again….I kissed a guy and I liked it!  

Mad Men vs. Morality

I make mistakes, I stumble on my path, at times I can be a bitch and it all comes down to intentions and actions.  I read this great satirical about the characters on Mad Men, what really makes a good or bad person?  Do intentions count, or are we defined by our actions? We deal with personal morality daily, the struggle to stay true to those we have built, we toil over redefining our morals as we open our minds to new information and experiences and we strain to reconcile, accept, appreciate and tolerate others principals.  It only seemed absolutely right and natural for me to continue my incredible relationship with his daughter.  It’s been almost a year since I discovered that I had stepped back into this trendy retro world of the 60’s and my life was altered by womanizing, sexism, and an archaic patriarchal entitlement all of which was a complete surprise to me.  Hmmm am I more of a Betty Draper or Trudy Campbell?  The last few months of our life together, I took care of his daughter more like June Cleaver than anyone on Mad Men.  I didn’t choose not to be her step mom.  My dream a year ago today was that I would be pregnant with a brother or sister for her and felt so excited that she would be living with us and we could be a family.  Hoping her mom would end up staying in California that we could all live within a few blocks and become one of the new modern quintessential American families.  There is something to a Mad Men/ Modern Family drama-edy, Madmily, Madern, Famen.  Brilliant, I know.  It’s going to need a ton of re-writes with the lack of swagger from a Don Draper or Roger Sterling type main character who at least struggle and have some angst during their moral crises.  The lack of integrity and veracity in the Pete Campbell-ish main character of my story would get old fast.  Back to my real life story, I love his daughter more than anything and asked his parents if she could come out to visit during her summer break.  I didn’t clearly express what I was willing and not willing to pay for.  Of course I would be funding all that we did and ate while she was here and I assumed either his family or him would pay for her transportation.  While I thought we were a “real” family I paid her school fees, school supplies, doctor co-pays, contributed towards furniture, bedding, and most of the day-to-day food, shampoo and all the while he spent money on hotels, dinners and lingerie (of course non of which was for me).  I would love nothing more than to continue to be a positive force in her life but she is not mine.  Therefore after several emails of determining the miscommunication I had to call her and tell her we could not make it work right now.  He walked away from everything.  I moved, found a new place to live, a new job, new furniture, rebuilt my life, still stumbling to establish a new and different relationship with his family, and here I am for the first time disappointing his daughter.  Ugh, I couldn’t make it through the call with out crying and of course she cried.  He doesn’t have to try and keep a relationship with anyone in my life and he doesn’t have to talk to my family.  Yet here I am tackling my good intentions and actions, which have lead to difficult conversations with his daughter and family.  It would be so much easier to Mad Men this.  Sit in my office, down a couple of whiskey’s through out the day, find someone to take advantage of and never create a deep and meaningful relationship with family, friends, colleagues or lovers.  To answer the original question, intentions and actions are mutually important to determine our inherent decency.  All of us that have the best of intentions will manifest those into at least a few acts of decent reality.  The difficult, awkward, challenging conversations and situations are only moments on my intentional chosen path to a meaningful life.  Divorced and deliberate in my choices, maybe I am more of Joan Harris.  Sans the sleeping with married men or someone to save a company.  Although I do see some gorgeous and vixenish curve hugging sheaths in my future. 

A Bloke

My obvious lack of blogging has had to do with a few work trips and one incredible vacation with the family to Ireland and Scotland.  It was a little cold and rainy but nothing a woman from Seattle especially with my career can’t handle.  I would call it the land of people, pubs and pints.  Okay the history, countryside, small towns and the fact that every dish comes with chips is pretty good too.  What I realized, we don’t have enough blokes in the US.  I appreciate that it is just a UK term for a guy or man but it’s more than that for this woman.  There is no better term to describe the type of man I am looking for other than bloke.  A manly man, a guy that is into sports but not obsessively and will turn his head away from “the game” and focus on what you are saying if you happen to start talking.  A guy that has real guy friends, barbeques, likes meat and beer but would never forget the all important salad and wine for you when gathering provisions.  A man that if you were in a possible physically combative situation could protect you, hold his own, but is smart and talented enough to verbally diffuse the situation and establish peace.  A man that wants to take care of his woman and will always open the door, pick you up for the date and pick up the check.  A real man that has more tools than I do, knows how to use them, notices what needs fixing and fixes it without being asked.  A real man that loves his wife and family and puts them above all else and would never forsake that by jeopardizing it in anyway.  I know it’s that last line that means the world to me.  Hmmm a new online dating profile name Blokeless in Seattle?  Yes that was really bad and could only be paired with a mobile phone bathroom mirror picture and that will never happen.  I am sure if there really was a man or men that could fulfill all of the above they would have their own special week on the Animal Planet.  Although airing the region, habitat, feeding rituals and daily activities would annihilate the bloke species quickly.  I am sure the amount of women flocking to the “bloke region” would be astronomical.  The carbon foot print plus green house gases emitting from all of the Women’s primping tools would create an immediate global warming situation followed by a bloke extinction.  What I do know is that I haven’t run into many or any “blokes” or single manly type men in Seattle.  They are either emo skinny jeans wearing, tatted with beanies (been there done with that), or based on my last weekend balding w/ stringy kid rock hair to the waist with the strategically side cut holes in his t-shirt or toothless or wearing fisherman boots at midnight on a warm Saturday night.  I think I’ll keep traveling. 

My first real date in 14 years.

Holy crap.  I am saying it again holy crap.  I made a date to meet someone for a drink from eharmony.  It’s not that fun excited feeling I had in my twenties.  I have never been intimidated by men or dating. Approaching this inevitable life path after finding out I never really knew my husband, the man I intimately shared my life with for almost eight years, is terrifying.  The prep is all the same things what will I wear, am I going to have a good hair day, will I wake with a dreaded zit and do I shave my legs.  The thoughts behind each of these essentials are different.  Will what I am wearing help me to look 10 pounds lighter (although hoping for 20) and where are my spanx.  A good hair day revolves around I hope he doesn’t notice it’s thinning although he never saw the luscious thick main of yester year.  Maybe a monstrous zit wouldn’t be a bad thing, it may take away from the dark circles, crows feet and laugh lines.  Actually I don’t really have to shave my legs, the one good thing about age is you do get to take advantage of technology advancements and lasers have done wonders on unwanted hair.  Never really thought it would take some anxiety out of the dating prep.  Let’s face it; I never thought I would be dating.  Obviously the fleeting initial excitement has turned to anxiousness.  In my youth I would have obsessed on the anticipation and excitement, that day it was absolute avoidance of thought.  Finally in my car after work my nerves took over and I became a bit dazed.  With my mind a little pre-occupied I actually rear-ended someone.  It was a bump at stoplight and nothing happened to either car and the older gentleman was very kind.  Seriously my first date in forever and I rear-end someone, now not only nervous but shaky. Made it home, walked the dog, make up touch up, although no eye-liner since my hands are shaking, changed my clothes and put on two layers of t-shirts to avoid the nervous pit out.  Yes guys we do that too.  I was happy to find myself at the bar first, I am sure I would have tripped or made an ass out myself somehow walking in second.  We had an awkward partial hug greeting; I was still kind of sitting trying to stand when he came in for the hug.  The conversation went well and although there was the initial anxiety the whole premise of the date was a good.  In my twenties I was so concerned with the guys liking me and now in my late thirties it’s all about me liking them.  He was a nice enough guy but there was no connection and his passions and interests weren’t very intriguing to me.  My thought afterwards was phew I made it through that.  It was an enormous relief and I wanted nothing more from him or the situation.  Although a few days later when he closed our match I still felt a little rejected but age has it’s blessing, besides laser technology.  Again in my twenties I would have fixated on the wonderment of why he wasn’t interested and now it was just a fleeting moment no more than a brief thought or two of the dismissal.  He wasn’t what I wanted and I know my worth.  A huge fist pump and ear-to-ear smile for making it through this first one.  I got this…..next.

Let the eharmony embarrassment begin.

That’s right I got on eharmony.  Spent a few hours filling out the questions and low and behold here come the matches and the clumsy humiliation.  The first few matches it’s fun to look at pictures and lament with your friends over the inept pictures straight men put on a dating website.  Pictures with other women seriously if it’s your family make a caption, if not you really think I want to date you and your brood.  Hell no.  The awkward poses at theme parks with either Donald Duck or Chuckie, yes the serial killing doll.  A close match immediately situation.  The inability to successfully work photo shop by cropping the latest or long ago girlfriend out of the travel pic.  Did you really think we couldn’t see those wisps of hair next to your face and shoulder raised as if over someone else?  The buddy shots with your crew and an insane amount of drinks in hand, yes we want you to be social but more than one of those, I feel like I will be dating you and having to take care of your friends.  The most horrific is the cell phone picture in the mirror.  Seriously!!!  You would be shocked it’s not just one or two it’s about every fifth guy that has a picture like this. Have they not seen the news that those shots are always linked to a sex scandal?  It is not okay, really it’s frightening and all I can think is crap they have my picture, ew.  Onto the matching, Seattle is a big enough city I really didn’t consider that I would get matched with people I know.  Oh yes the mortification has begun, in less than one week I was matched with two people I knew and a friends brother.  Yep they looked at my profile and of course they know it’s me.  One I definitely had to email and find a way to make it less awkward.  We are obviously not close enough to call but we know quite a few mutual people, several who know my ex, and if I don’t own this and make it a non-issue I am sure he will share it with others.  I have to face this.  I email him and laugh it off with asking him to advise me on my eharmony innocence and needing an e-wingman.  After several “matches’ have attempted to contact me I only keep less then a handful in my reserve and decide if those choice few make some sort of virtual attempt, I will respond.  One does so we exchange an email or two, then a second.  The second man happens to know something about my weekend that I hadn’t shared with him and all I can do is freak over how we may know each other.  He tells me it was actually his friend the only other man I had emailed on eharmony.  How does this happen? The only two guys I have exchanged emails with are buddies.  I am not cut out for this.  What happened to the days when a guy buys a girl a drink or stops her on the street or just asks for her number?  Okay I get that was 14 years ago and things have changed but my start in this virtual dating realm does not seem to be going so well.