I kissed a guy and I liked it!

Mom and Dad please skip out on this one.

When I was younger I adored making out with boys, as several of you may know.  That first look you share that has a spark, the shy lowering of the eyes, the quick look back, the decision to initiate a conversation, the flipping of the hair, the light touch on an arm, I adored flirting.  What woman hasn’t seen every episode of Sex and the City?  It was always fun to identify which character you aligned with in their different encounters of the opposite sex.  My story doesn’t include any of the posh restaurants, glossy conversation and not one piece of clothing, shoes or even a handbag you would find in Carrie’s closet.  I happened to be traveling for work and met up with a friend just to hang out and catch up on life.  She had some great friends in this little town and we hung out with several through out the day, some of them guys but I never really thought anything of it.  As many of you know through my previous posts, I’ve seen a few guys here and there and appreciated their good looks and well toned physiques (I love yoga).  Through these many months and almost a year of being separated and then divorced I hadn’t really thought of physically being with anyone.  Yes I have been on a few dates but was still petrified of just dating that the idea of it really “going” anywhere was a complete void in my mind.  The goal was just to make it through the awkward first meet, do we shake hands, do we hug, and the hope that the conversation won’t have those long uncomfortable silences.  I never thought about the end of any of these dates either, I couldn’t even wrap my head around could there or would there be a kiss.  Just writing this I am already feeling clammy and sweaty with the prospect of what could be.  Being out with this girlfriend and her friends was a blast, hilarious conversation, dancing all night and no expectations.  All of a sudden a wrapped arm finds it’s way around me pulling me close and I am a bit startled.  He is much younger but I don’t pull away, it feels nice.  I haven’t had an arm around me like that in what feels like forever.  I am smart enough to know this really doesn’t have anything to do with me there really weren’t any sparks all day and night that we hung out.   There was inner turmoil, a Charlotte type voice in my head, mentally checking to make sure I played by the rules.  Reconciling that I was an adult, officially divorced and could do what I want.  But that arm and being close to a guy was great so I turned around and I kissed him. I didn’t care if there was or was not a real connection and sadly didn’t care what this guy thought, I just wanted to make out.  I finally reconnected with a tiny bit of my inner Samantha.  I find it fascinating and mind boggling that I still had trepidation kissing a man well after being divorced.  How was my ex-husband able to do this, much more and even carry on a relationship while being married?  All I know now, who cares!  Those sweet kisses reminded me, I can do what I want, and I am attached to no one.  I know I titled this blog with this statement but I am saying it again….I kissed a guy and I liked it!