My first real date in 14 years.

Holy crap.  I am saying it again holy crap.  I made a date to meet someone for a drink from eharmony.  It’s not that fun excited feeling I had in my twenties.  I have never been intimidated by men or dating. Approaching this inevitable life path after finding out I never really knew my husband, the man I intimately shared my life with for almost eight years, is terrifying.  The prep is all the same things what will I wear, am I going to have a good hair day, will I wake with a dreaded zit and do I shave my legs.  The thoughts behind each of these essentials are different.  Will what I am wearing help me to look 10 pounds lighter (although hoping for 20) and where are my spanx.  A good hair day revolves around I hope he doesn’t notice it’s thinning although he never saw the luscious thick main of yester year.  Maybe a monstrous zit wouldn’t be a bad thing, it may take away from the dark circles, crows feet and laugh lines.  Actually I don’t really have to shave my legs, the one good thing about age is you do get to take advantage of technology advancements and lasers have done wonders on unwanted hair.  Never really thought it would take some anxiety out of the dating prep.  Let’s face it; I never thought I would be dating.  Obviously the fleeting initial excitement has turned to anxiousness.  In my youth I would have obsessed on the anticipation and excitement, that day it was absolute avoidance of thought.  Finally in my car after work my nerves took over and I became a bit dazed.  With my mind a little pre-occupied I actually rear-ended someone.  It was a bump at stoplight and nothing happened to either car and the older gentleman was very kind.  Seriously my first date in forever and I rear-end someone, now not only nervous but shaky. Made it home, walked the dog, make up touch up, although no eye-liner since my hands are shaking, changed my clothes and put on two layers of t-shirts to avoid the nervous pit out.  Yes guys we do that too.  I was happy to find myself at the bar first, I am sure I would have tripped or made an ass out myself somehow walking in second.  We had an awkward partial hug greeting; I was still kind of sitting trying to stand when he came in for the hug.  The conversation went well and although there was the initial anxiety the whole premise of the date was a good.  In my twenties I was so concerned with the guys liking me and now in my late thirties it’s all about me liking them.  He was a nice enough guy but there was no connection and his passions and interests weren’t very intriguing to me.  My thought afterwards was phew I made it through that.  It was an enormous relief and I wanted nothing more from him or the situation.  Although a few days later when he closed our match I still felt a little rejected but age has it’s blessing, besides laser technology.  Again in my twenties I would have fixated on the wonderment of why he wasn’t interested and now it was just a fleeting moment no more than a brief thought or two of the dismissal.  He wasn’t what I wanted and I know my worth.  A huge fist pump and ear-to-ear smile for making it through this first one.  I got this…..next.

Let the eharmony embarrassment begin.

That’s right I got on eharmony.  Spent a few hours filling out the questions and low and behold here come the matches and the clumsy humiliation.  The first few matches it’s fun to look at pictures and lament with your friends over the inept pictures straight men put on a dating website.  Pictures with other women seriously if it’s your family make a caption, if not you really think I want to date you and your brood.  Hell no.  The awkward poses at theme parks with either Donald Duck or Chuckie, yes the serial killing doll.  A close match immediately situation.  The inability to successfully work photo shop by cropping the latest or long ago girlfriend out of the travel pic.  Did you really think we couldn’t see those wisps of hair next to your face and shoulder raised as if over someone else?  The buddy shots with your crew and an insane amount of drinks in hand, yes we want you to be social but more than one of those, I feel like I will be dating you and having to take care of your friends.  The most horrific is the cell phone picture in the mirror.  Seriously!!!  You would be shocked it’s not just one or two it’s about every fifth guy that has a picture like this. Have they not seen the news that those shots are always linked to a sex scandal?  It is not okay, really it’s frightening and all I can think is crap they have my picture, ew.  Onto the matching, Seattle is a big enough city I really didn’t consider that I would get matched with people I know.  Oh yes the mortification has begun, in less than one week I was matched with two people I knew and a friends brother.  Yep they looked at my profile and of course they know it’s me.  One I definitely had to email and find a way to make it less awkward.  We are obviously not close enough to call but we know quite a few mutual people, several who know my ex, and if I don’t own this and make it a non-issue I am sure he will share it with others.  I have to face this.  I email him and laugh it off with asking him to advise me on my eharmony innocence and needing an e-wingman.  After several “matches’ have attempted to contact me I only keep less then a handful in my reserve and decide if those choice few make some sort of virtual attempt, I will respond.  One does so we exchange an email or two, then a second.  The second man happens to know something about my weekend that I hadn’t shared with him and all I can do is freak over how we may know each other.  He tells me it was actually his friend the only other man I had emailed on eharmony.  How does this happen? The only two guys I have exchanged emails with are buddies.  I am not cut out for this.  What happened to the days when a guy buys a girl a drink or stops her on the street or just asks for her number?  Okay I get that was 14 years ago and things have changed but my start in this virtual dating realm does not seem to be going so well.