My first Christmas with Mugsy.

My 120-pound furry rock of love is my dog Mugsy.  Yes I adore my dog but she is a dog.  I don’t carry her around in a purse, really she wouldn’t fit in some of the largest bags of luggage.  I am not the crazy dog mom who dresses her in sweaters and t-shirts the extra large size doesn’t fit.  I am a proud mamma and show off her pictures whenever anyone shares pictures of their kids.  So I am a bit obsessed and hopelessly in love with my furry bear.  I have never had the opportunity to share the holidays with her.  Being married and living away from both families we traveled every Thanksgiving and Christmas.   If you know me at all you already know how much I love spending time with family at the holidays but every year I felt torn.  We were either with his family or my family and Mugsy along with the cats were home.   I wanted to be in all three places at the same time.  This year while I do miss his family and I would love to be with his daughter, I didn’t feel torn.  I was with my family and Mugsy.  I was right where I was supposed to be.   Mugsy has been at my side for almost every moment of the challenges I have faced through this last year.   Those first weeks of devastation of my altered marriage and then the affair she sensed my emotional frailty.  In those first few weeks whenever we were in the same place, she either leaned against me or rested her paw or head on me to let me know she was silently there.  In the face of such intimate betrayal she provided unconditional love, okay not quite unconditional she wanted food, water, walks and belly rubs.  But never the less it was a bond that I have cherished through these last few months.  She didn’t judge the tear filled nights, the moments of sheer anger, the overwhelming bewilderment that continuously brought me to the kitchen, bedroom, yard or bathroom having no idea why I entered the room in the first place.  Mugsy managed moving states, a new home, a new dog walker, new dog parks, a new work schedule and every night hops into bed to snuggle no matter where or what time we get there.  Mugsy’s breathe in your face can be a powerful motivator to get out of bed in the morning, especially in those early days of sorrow.  At least if I didn’t brush my teeth first thing for those early morning walks, I knew hers was worse.  As that sorrow changed to anger she would run, alright jog or walk any distance I needed that day.  When it comes to our outings at 120 pounds and part stubborn bulldog, she usually calls the shots on where and how far we go, even when supplied with bacon.  She sensed my moods and kept me moving on the days I needed it most.  I know she is just a dog but she has been my silent, sweet, tail wagging, furry, giant of unconditional love.  Today on Christmas she was always in someone’s way, breathing her gross breathe in someone’s face, leaning or stepping on someone and loving every minute of being with the family.   Today my heart wasn’t torn wanting to be in three places but grew three times knowing I was right where I was meant to be with Mugsy and my family. 

Not all men are assholes, only one.

I am incredibly lucky to have wonderful men in my life.  First and foremost my amazing dad.  He has an enormous heart, wonderfully creative mind and a jovial memorable personality.  He has his faults of not being able to keep a secret, always guesses exactly what is in a wrapped present, holds onto everything and I love all these things about him.  My brother who can make anyone laugh at anytime, a classic gentleman, compassionate and a true original.  My uncles, Ed who is generous, driven, has an incredible work ethic and enjoys sparking politically charged conversations.  Joe who adores his family, loves music and cooks with the most passion and love of any person I know.  Charlie who is kind, insightful and has a beautiful calm spirit.  To the many of my parents friends who I have grown up with that are genuinely good hearted.  The incredible husbands of my friends and my single male friends both old and new who posses integrity and appreciate what really matters in life.  My soon to be ex-husbands father a savvy business man with the courage and strength to battle cancer, loves a project and would do anything for his grandkids.  My brother in law who is warm hearted, always has a smile for you and breaks it down to what is real.  Marriage isn’t easy for anyone and all deal with the struggles of balance with careers, family, friends, hobbies, wife’s or girlfriends.  Don’t get me wrong I know each has their unique flaws and challenges, they leave their shoes in the middle of the floor, can’t remember next weeks plans and never get to fixing that one thing you asked.  Although they have their moments they are wonderful, caring and most of the time thoughtful men with hearts of gold.  Honest, sincere and dependable men exist and I am happy to have a great many of them in my life.  Thank you for showing me what a true man is.  Okay the real thank you, because of each of you, I am not that crazy woman that hates men, has 10 cats, knits and has joined a Wiccan society.   I’ll keep my one cat, won’t take up knitting until I’m 60 and really who can actually cast a spell unless your Mr. Potter.  Phew, thanks guys.

Diamonds aren’t a girls best friend, freedom is!

Living alone seemed a bit scary at first.  My life revolved around him and his daughter, now it is just Mugsy and me.  It has been liberating, everything I do is for me.  I have three closets all to myself, THREE!! The house is continuously clean, the dishes and clutter are all solely mine and I only have to pick up after myself.   The bathroom is always neat and I never have to wonder if someone used my toothbrush.  I made an amazing dinner a few weeks ago, the sauce was incredible and no one was there to comment as I slurped up the excess sauce right out of the pan.  There aren’t any snide comments when I bring in yet another shopping bag of clothes.  Just a sweet giant dog wagging her tail at my new haul, I know she is excited about all the treasures I found.  When I wake in the middle of the night I can read my book with out worrying if I am disturbing someone else.   My favorite is when I do wake in the middle of the night getting a miniature ice cream cone from the freezer and eating it in bed.  Okay so Mugsy does get a bit annoyed with the light on late at night but a little belly rub and all is forgiven.  I can watch whatever I want on TV and not have to deal with Man vs. Food or a repeat of Roadhouse.  I can eat fish every night for dinner and while cooking, dance like no one is watching. No comments on that occasional second, okay third, glass of wine.  Although if I would have known all he was doing I would have laughed my ass off at that comment, instead of my usual whatever shrug.  To be brutally honest it wasn’t much different then the last year we were together.  He was gone so often I really did live alone until his daughter came to live with us.  She is who I truly miss everyday.  Although she challenged me continuously and drove me crazy with her tween hormones, I loved her with all my heart and enjoyed having her in my life on a daily basis.  As for him I see how the chaos and disruption of having someone come in and out of my life intermittently, with dramatic distance and aloofness diminished my personal happiness.  Don’t get me wrong I would love to share my life with someone.  But I want a true partner, someone to cook with and to walk the dog with that will keep me warm and entertained in the cold and rain.  There is a big difference between taking care of a partner (even when they aren’t cheating) and sharing a life with a partner.  Today I am happy in my independence, focusing on the positive, slurping sauce from the pan, enjoying my midnight miniature ice cream cones and I have three closets to fill!!

Forgive and forget, nope. Melissa's liberation, yep!

A friend asked the other day if I will ever forgive him.  The definition of forgive is 1. Stop being angry about something 2. Pardon somebody 3. Cancel an obligation.  We didn’t agree on an open relationship and therefore there is not a pardon for him breaking our vows and establishing an intimate and emotional relationship with another person.  Our vows were an obligation and I didn’t agree to cancel them.  That was, until I found out about the last affair.  There are an abundance of self-help books and psychiatrists that state forgiveness can lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you.  I wonder were any of those authors really betrayed, because I say it’s crap.  Nope I will ever understand how a person with a beating heart does this.  Empathy, not completely sure he is capable of true feelings other than orgasms.  That makes empathy in this situation, pointless.  Up next, compassion.  I now recognize he is incapable of developing a true and loving relationship, which is sad.  Is that compassion, to me nope.  Compassion is recognizing another’s’ depravity and wanting to see it alleviated. Do I care if he is able to have a true and loving relationship, nope. Is there compassion for people who pre-meditate to hurt another person in diabolical way, again nope.  Many say embracing forgiveness; you embrace peace, hope, gratitude and joy.  Again I say, that’s crap.  I am finding peace, gratitude, hope and joy by the love and support from my family, friends and eliminating the immorality out of my life.  The zero communication and miles between us doesn’t hurt either.   What I do believe in, letting go and releasing any thread he had tied to my life.  At the beginning of this roller coaster I would have said I wish I could forget it all but remembering honors my feelings and the journey that has enhanced my strength and allowed me to share in ways I never have.  I wouldn’t mind forgetting some of the sex Skype’s.  Now I find them a bit funny, hideous and lacking in imagination.  I thought an affair happened because of the mind blowing and heightened stimulation, what I saw was typical and boring.  My first rebound better hold on for dear life, it will be electrifying.   Back to the topic at hand, I’d like to change this idea and thought of “forgiveness” to liberation.  The decades of self help books and people tied to forgiveness are missing the point, you don’t need to forgive but liberate.  There is absolutely no need for me to forgive his lack of manhood in either not breaking up previous to the extramarital affairs or being true to the commitment of marriage. The definition of liberation is to set somebody free. I have let go of most of the anger and once delicious thoughts of maiming him.  The steps into liberation increase my sense of hope and happiness everyday.  The whole point of liberation is that you get out, restructure your life and take actions for yourself.  Viva la Melissa liberation!!

Like the content on my I-phone, these are the days of my life.

Like many people today I use my phone for everything.  It’s my calendar, contacts, mail, music, bank, games, books, camera, etc.  It possesses a significant part of many aspects of my life that formulate who I am.  I was sorting through the pictures in my camera and realized for the entire year there was one picture of me and my soon to be ex-husband on my phone.  One. That’s all, one.  I had to smile and kinda laughed to myself, he looked pissed.  It was on the vacation I took him on to Costa Rica.  It’s so obvious now our relationship had been over for a good year.  There was nothing between us on my phone except one picture, my sad and angry emails asking for his love and attention, not a facebook post about “us”, no shared playlists, no calendar dates, no high scores on games, nothing but one angry picture. I had over 20 pictures of his Skype communication with her and one picture of “us”. Oh sweet I-phone if I had only realized sooner the signs you showed me day in and day out.  I will refer to your reflection on the reality of my life more often.