Ugh, I checked it.

Why, why, why did I do it.  I think after being at the trade shows and what was “our” life and a little hotel boredom, I felt I had to know what he was up to.  I know just two days ago I said I didn’t want to.  90+ days of twitter sobriety and I fell back in. Yep they are still together.  She is showing pictures of her “boyfriend” to the family.  Did she mention he is currently still married.  He made a comment to sleep in “our” bed, um wait you mean the one he shared with me his wife for eight years.  A failed marriage, cheating, lying, loosing full custody of his daughter and it doesn’t seem to phase them at all.  Liquor, drugs, sex and action sports wow they are so cool. I want nothing more than to write on their pages and say something nasty, but I don’t want to go back there.  I want to be a better person then that. He was sleeping and possibly cheating for years, is a twitter blast really that bad or even comparable.  Oh yoga teachings of zen and tranquility where are you hiding inside me?  I realize I fell of the enlightened wagon but I don’t think the ancient teachings ever covered twitter. All those things I mentioned about wishing him nothing, forget it.  Today is my fall, today is my slip but today I also wouldn’t mind if it happened to him literally.  Tomorrow is another day and I will focus on me not them.  Good thing I am going shopping in London, I need it.  I guess the ancient teachings didn’t cover retail therapy either, okay they completely frowned upon it.  I know it won’t gain me any real enlightenment but I can at least look cute trying to find my path back to peace, strength and wisdom wagon.

If you understand things are just as they are, if you do not understand things are just as they are.

It’s Showtime.

My soon to be ex-husband and I work in the same industry.  Although we currently have very different jobs, one constant in our relationship was attending the obligatory trade shows.  I haven’t seen or talked to him since I left California on September 1^st.  Oh wait actually there was the two incidents with the cat, those are different blogs.  To continue, I don’t know if I will actually run into him but the thought is there.  I’ll admit I thought about my outfits and what I would wear to look my best but it’s a trade show and the miles of cement flooring seal the deal with going for comfort over looks.  I also forgot all of my good hair care product.  The dolled up version will be out of service it will be just me, as I am. Weirdly it feels like I am volunteering to go on an adventure where I will see a ton of acquaintances and friends but there may be something evil lurking around a corner.  Someone that I loved and was a part of my life but maliciously betrayed me then vanished whom may at some unknown time in the next two days appear like Gmork.  Although many of “our” acquaintances contacted me in the beginning of the seperation to share their anger, hurt and distress, I know I will still get the looks of pity and sympathy.  Some even contacted to say sorry as they felt their guilt at being witness to the charade.   Of course I want him to see that I am surviving actually I would say thriving without him in my life.  But do I want to see him.   His reality, I don’t want to know.  If he is happy and flourishing it will make me angry that he isn’t wallowing in his lack of man-hood, decency and parenting. If he is destructive and sinking it will make me just as angry that he isn’t facing his demons, being an active parent, great role model for his child and finding his humanity.  At any point on this spectrum of where he may be I will never be happy for him.  If he didn’t have a daughter I would wish him absolutely nothing, no bad will, no maimed body parts, no catastrophes in any aspect of his life.  The Nothing.  Like the Never Ending Story a hole would be something I would wish him nothing.  Only because I love his little girl do I hope for him to find a tolerable set of morals and be responsible enough to provide for his daughter.  But I know these things can only happen by his choice.  The possibility of running into him does give me some trepidation for witnessing his situation whether good or bad.   My solace comes in knowing I am more me now than I have been in a long time, in comfy trade show boots or dolled up heels.  It has taken this turbulent time and my incredible family and friends to realize what is important in life and to me.  Unlike the Never Ending Story this will have an end and hopefully soon, plus I got the luck dragon on my side, Mugsy whose middle name really should be Falcor.

The Holidays

I didn’t think the holidays would be that hard.  And it wasn’t hard being single or almost divorced.  I didn’t have to worry if “he” bought the gifts he was supposed to or sent the cards he said he would.  With all the lies I really have no idea if he ever sent the gifts or cards he said he would for friends and families birthdays, weddings and new babies.  I didn’t have to worry if “he” was having a good time at this holiday party or family gathering.  I now realize why he was never really comfortable with his family or mine at the holidays, living a false life must make it awkward at those genuine moments.  This year it was just me, my real life.  I had my friends, my family, sweet Mugsy, a great place to live, and one of my dream jobs.  I haven’t given up on maybe finding a new “real” love or possibly having my ultimate dream of children.  Tonight was a different painful moment; I didn’t know I could be so incredibly happy while possessing a heavy heart. I know many family members read this blog and have been incredibly supportive. But the two people I want most to be happy are my parents.  Tonight was the first night in many years my Mom’s entire side of the family had been able to get together due to location logistics.  It was fantastic to have everyone together.  People always talk about laughter being the most potent form of medicine, if it were true they would just need one night with all of us.  From my most private thoughts that I have shared with basically the world it is no secret that I want children of my own but that may not be an opportunity.   I am not exactly sure that I have reconciled or made peace with this probability but at least I know it lingers at the edges of what may be a reality for me. But watching that reality be a possibility for my parents, feels more devastating than what it could mean for me.  As mentioned before I absolutely won the family lottery with the best parents and family any kid could dream for.  It’s with a heavy heart that I watch the dynamics in which my mom and dad have no grandchildren to call their own.  It’s one thing for me to talk about my furry child Mugsy but my parents having no pictures of an infant, toddler or child to show pictures of is beyond devastating to me.  They provided me with the most amazing parenting skills and yet I have no child to practice them on, as well as the mistakes.   Tonight we were all together the parents, aunts, uncles, cousin’s and the kids.  I loved every minute except the absence of my little ones feet and laughter. Will my parents ever get the grandchild I so desperately want and they deserve to spoil. According to Peter Ducker, the best way to predict the future is to create it.  I may have to take you up on that.  In a few years I may be asking all of you what you think of sperm donor #178943. 

The gifts to give yourself when divorcing.

After making the immediate decision to divorce and move, before I even started packing, I began looking for a new bed.  Although I had no idea how much money I would need to fund a new living arrangement, moving and legal fees I bought a new bed.   In less than a week I bought a beautiful white velvet tufted headboard with clean lines.  It’s feminine and modern and the first time in over 14 years (I had a 7 year relationship before the husband) I bought a bed that was just for me!  There were no questioning thoughts about would “he” like it, would it work for “both” of us.  It was all me.  After the move came the purchase of new linens, I don’t think “she” ever stayed at our house but his skuzzy ass was in those sheets and there is not enough bleach in the world that could get his cheater cooties out of them.  I wanted my bed to be my new sanctuary and I went with the 600 thread count sheets and a gorgeous new duvet set.  A light airy grey with enormous white and lime green chrysanthemum flowers.  Yep I bought linens with flowers!  Again modern and stylish but a little feminine too and not a thought to what “he” would think.  The next purchase shoes, unfortunately for me it wasn’t the Blahnik’s or Choo’s but a good running shoe.  I needed some way to channel the frantic, nervous and angry energy, for me that was getting outside running or walking. The final and probably most important new everyday purchase lingerie.  I have always loved bras and panties, matching sets and my sets were nice not overly sexy but sweet.  As with most women having a beautiful set on hidden underneath my clothes, which no one could see, gave me a slight edge and confidence throughout my day.  I will admit being married and in a long term relationship that desire faltered a bit.  I wasn’t wearing grandma panties but a more sensible bra that held me a little more closely.  They were in no way hideous or cotton high-rise white, but the everyday you never know what may happen in lust dating thong only appeared at the married date night and special occasions.  I get that I own this part of our disconnect but it seems pretty normal to gradually mature in my underwear choices as I mature in age to a cute cheek covering option.  Making the lingerie purchase being alone, separated and currently choosing not to date, this purchase is just for me and whatever makes me happy.  I like the feeling of confidence and now I don’t know what may happen through my day.  What if there is an accident and a cute fire fighter or EMT needs to treat me for who knows what.  Being married I gave up on those crazy improbabilities and thought my husband loved me for me and didn’t worry about what type of underwear I had on, if in an accident.  Now it’s all changed again.  What if I run into an incredible looking Italian business entrepreneur who adores me but must catch his flight the next day? Alright, it totally won’t happen but a single girl should always be prepared.  All of these items are materialistic and not absolutely necessary compared to a good mediator, paralegal, therapist and court fees.  Throughout these few months these gifts to surround my everyday in what makes me happy provides me with smiles, confidence and contentment. A run in with a cute firefighter wouldn’t hurt either.

I am recently discovered.

When I started to write this the title was “nothing new please”.  As I have reflected on 2011 I had an onslaught of new.  New divorce, newly single, new state, new home, new furniture, and new job nearly everything in my life was new.  This last year has felt bi-polar from the lowest lows of pneumonia, husbands four hand surgeries, finding out about the husbands affairs, probability of cheating through the entire relationship, my mother in laws fight with cancer and leg amputation.   The highest of highs from having my step daughter move in full time (even though it was short lived), traveling to Belize and Costa Rica, moving closer to family and friends, landing one of my dream jobs and ultimately discovering my strength and value.  I am beyond grateful that this experience unleashed a humility that has allowed me to open my heart and truly embrace compassion.  In the past years living in another part of the country I focused on what was in front of me, career and marriage.  It was hard to stay connected to friends and family and cultivating new relationships was challenging with the continuous travel and small town familiarity.  There is a profound freedom in creating a balanced life and re-establishing healthy relationships with my family and friends.  As I appreciate my new spot in life it was all these “new” moments that brought me here, that brought me home, that brought me closer to me.  Therefore I say bring on the new.  I am excited about new travel adventures, new friendships, new yoga training, new laughs, new smiles, new joy and all the new moments waiting for my discovery.