It’s Showtime.

My soon to be ex-husband and I work in the same industry.  Although we currently have very different jobs, one constant in our relationship was attending the obligatory trade shows.  I haven’t seen or talked to him since I left California on September 1^st.  Oh wait actually there was the two incidents with the cat, those are different blogs.  To continue, I don’t know if I will actually run into him but the thought is there.  I’ll admit I thought about my outfits and what I would wear to look my best but it’s a trade show and the miles of cement flooring seal the deal with going for comfort over looks.  I also forgot all of my good hair care product.  The dolled up version will be out of service it will be just me, as I am. Weirdly it feels like I am volunteering to go on an adventure where I will see a ton of acquaintances and friends but there may be something evil lurking around a corner.  Someone that I loved and was a part of my life but maliciously betrayed me then vanished whom may at some unknown time in the next two days appear like Gmork.  Although many of “our” acquaintances contacted me in the beginning of the seperation to share their anger, hurt and distress, I know I will still get the looks of pity and sympathy.  Some even contacted to say sorry as they felt their guilt at being witness to the charade.   Of course I want him to see that I am surviving actually I would say thriving without him in my life.  But do I want to see him.   His reality, I don’t want to know.  If he is happy and flourishing it will make me angry that he isn’t wallowing in his lack of man-hood, decency and parenting. If he is destructive and sinking it will make me just as angry that he isn’t facing his demons, being an active parent, great role model for his child and finding his humanity.  At any point on this spectrum of where he may be I will never be happy for him.  If he didn’t have a daughter I would wish him absolutely nothing, no bad will, no maimed body parts, no catastrophes in any aspect of his life.  The Nothing.  Like the Never Ending Story a hole would be something I would wish him nothing.  Only because I love his little girl do I hope for him to find a tolerable set of morals and be responsible enough to provide for his daughter.  But I know these things can only happen by his choice.  The possibility of running into him does give me some trepidation for witnessing his situation whether good or bad.   My solace comes in knowing I am more me now than I have been in a long time, in comfy trade show boots or dolled up heels.  It has taken this turbulent time and my incredible family and friends to realize what is important in life and to me.  Unlike the Never Ending Story this will have an end and hopefully soon, plus I got the luck dragon on my side, Mugsy whose middle name really should be Falcor.