The online dating username dilemma.

Now that it is official, I might as well get back out there.  Everyone knows you have to come up with a user name for online dating sights.  We all know on other sites with ecommerce, banks, utilities most let you use your email but some you try a name and try a name and number combo and you get the red marked failed attempt since that user name is already taken.  We have all come up with our cute, hip or funny combos that mean something to us personally knowing really no one will see them.  Well what if someone you possibly would want to date saw it with out knowing you?  If you have any dignity in yourself you are going to put some thought into it, I hope.  Is it a movie quote from one of your favorite films?  Is it focused around something you love? Might not be a good time to mention I like cats and learned how to knit.  Focusing on my love of shopping might make me sound like a gold digger, so time to google “creating usernames”.  Some sights generate one for you here are a few JaddedKitten (crazy young woman),  RustyTreasure (yikes how old am I), MidnightJewel (can anyone say stripper).  Obviously that didn’t work.  Of course I’ll put two things I love together travel and yoga or maybe my dog.  RadiantVoyage- wow wrong message, ZenGlobe-I still can’t figure out the 9 different recycling bins at work and I wax my underarms so that’s out, MilesBeyond- that sounds pretentious or just old.  This took much longer then I thought and after extensive attempts anything having to do with a dog or pet sounds beyond wrong.  I did find something I thought worked and it will be the one thing I keep to myself.  Finally after some serious effort I get online and start poking around at dating sights and can’t believe the names the guys have posted.  I categorized them into five major groupings.  The “sports fan” group; soundersfan1456, marinersfan4765, hawksfan356, etc.  Okay great you want all the women to see you are into sports but it’s clear over the years it has evolved into a spectator only participation.  The “too much info” user name group, this isn’t necessarily bad but the trickiest since you leave it up to interpretation.  Examples: jetsetbohemian- you’ll never be home or available for a date, beattlejim- if that’s like beattlejuice that could be funny or you may like a bugs, wineandgrillin- sounds good but you put too much thought into what would get the ladies,  pbnjsammich- cute but are you looking for woman who will cut the crust off the sandwich too.  The obligatory “career” user name group, crabman432, curator245, professormike, fireguy42, you get the picture. Before my own foray into developing a user name I would have questioned this groups efforts but now understand why they may have gone this route.  The “generic” user name group.  jim_786, shawn_040, bill_bothel, james_seattle, etc.  The last group the one that frightens, shocks and best of all makes me laugh, the “self-centered” user name group.

Dreamcometrue- seriously?

Redhotspankin- do any women actually respond to him?

Gettoit- just a little pushy.

Justplayin- at least he is honest.

Sir_mike- really you think everyone should call you Sir?

feralboy80- wow there is more than one using this name he had to use a number, frightening.
Ultra2000- can anyone guess who works out A LOT and might be on steroids?

Outoftouch- that’s how sell yourself?

GenuineMan- should I be worried or wonder why you have to state you are real man?
Karmabomb- really those two words shouldn’t be used together.

Decisevelyalive- wow glad the antidepressants are working?

mfn_rockstar- obviously you want a groupie and are looking for women between ages of 21-25 (might I add he is 37).

I have to say after this glimpse into the online dating arena, I am slightly envious of my committed and married friends.  Judging and grouping these individuals is unconsidered and imprudent .  Although it is my first glimpse into this person and how they chose to represent themselves. Overwhelmed, astounded and somewhat excited here I go on completely new adventure.

A Runke no longer.

I am extremely happy to feel like this journey has come to an end and I have my true name back.  Signing everything with his last name the first few months was a complete slap in the face multiple times a day but as the months crawled by it bothered me less and less.  There is a huge sense of freedom that comes by reclaiming who I am and leaving behind the name of a person that treated me so horribly.  The few things that kept me from loosing it and bawling my eyes out when signing his last name at starbucks, the grocery store, every lunch or dinner out, at the therapists, the signing of my lease, was his family.  I am still baffled at his lack of integrity, values and compassion that the other namesakes possess.  His father a savvy business man who is a great listener, supportive and kind.  I adored our morning chats.  It became a cherished routine whenever we visited and something I always looked forward too.  His mom always surprises me with her energy, enthusiasm and positivity for every moment in her life.  The time she gives to the grandkids by playing games for hours and including them in the everyday mundane activities and making it fun for them.  Her's is a tremendous skill that so many people and families are lacking these days.  The one major regret over the last year was not being there for his mother when going through a leg amputation because of cancer.  I get that my husband and I were not connecting and through out the health difficulties with his mom, I tried to work every angle to be supportive to him.  I was so focused on him and the lack of us but now I know he was already invested in someone else. I let him dictate and impeded my involvement, instead of owning my own relationship with her.  I really love her and should have been there.  His sister who is a shinning example of an amazing wife and mother.  The most important of the namesakes is his daughter.  She is growing into an astonishing lady.  I know I am not her mother and will never measure up to her, in her eyes, but I really did enjoy sharing the same name with a fantastic girl.  She is compassionate, determined, confident and silly.  It warmed my heart whenever anyone mistook her as being my child.  It happened more often when we shared the same last name and having someone assume this kind and dynamic little girl was mine, felt like an honor.  While I am thrilled to be who I am again and the dissolution will not severe my relationship with his family, I will miss the named connection to these admirable people I value and love.

Am I a Cougar?

I was out with an amazing friend the other night, one of my only single friends. We met up for drinks and several appetizers, of course.  After we were there for quite some time, I looked around the bar and it was filled with middle-aged women out on the prowl.  They might have been maybe a few years older then us but not much and I seriously thought, I am in a batch of cougars.  I couldn’t help but think, oh crap am I one of them.  I am a middle aged almost divorced (at the time) at a bar with a girlfriend, if I am under 40 does it count.  I had to look up the definition.   To my surprise there are a thousand different types of “cougars”.  All agree it’s a woman that is looking for a younger man, okay phew I am not looking for anyone younger.  But there are cougacorns, cougaraptors, cougar kittens, and the cougar dance, which is my favorite.  The "dance" move reserved for intoxicated older women that think they are still sexy. The move starts with a very slow gyrating of the hips, while slowly extending the arms toward the sky. The eyes typically remain closed for the entirety of the performance. It is commonly seen at concerts by artists that are past their prime or cover bands of artists that are past their prime.  Ummmm I’ll admit I have done that move for years and crap I am sure it looked as bad as it sounds.   Even when I wasn’t sure what a cougar meant I didn’t want to be associated with the “cougar” group.  I said to my friend “I feel like we are panthers in a cougar world”.  I had no idea what the urban dictionary definition for panther was, I just pulled a cat name out of the hat.  I don’t really want to generalize or lump myself into a group but I can’t help but think what kind of cat am I.  A mountain lion is an unattractive woman looking for a younger man.  An ocelot the under 40 year old woman looking for a younger man.  Lynx a text based web browser.  Jaguar is a woman over 50 looking for a younger man.  A tiger is just a tiger.  A puma is like the ocelot.   A cheetah is a man trolling for younger women or a married man who cheats on his wife with much younger women.  A panther had several definitions a woman going after older men, a gay man going after a younger man and a lesbian going after an older lesbian.  I guess I am really not any type of cat and happy to know there is only one cat in my house Knuckles. This is going to be a hilarious adventure when I actually start dating and I will be staying far away from the cougar candy.  Although I can’t guarantee complete abstinence of the cougar dance especially after a few pinot grigios.

Absolute elation.

It’s officially over signed and sealed by a California judge.  I happened to be on vacation in Palm Springs with some girlfriends and it could not have been a better time.  I had given the legal team my parents address for written communication as when I moved back in September I had no idea where I would land.  After a few days by the pool, sunshine, good food, drinks and a great day of shopping my mom called to let me know there was a large white envelope from the State of California.  I told her to open it and there it was all signed.  To put into words my ecstatic and jubilant moment, does not do it justice.  I am still smiling ear to ear.  I can’t thank the girls enough for celebrating one of the most important and delightful moments in my life.  It was a million times better then being a teenager and freaking over NKOTB and scaling a fence at the Puyallup fair to see their sound check.  In the weeks leading up to the end, I was apprehensive about this moment.  The entirety of this ordeal, the dissolution of my marriage, has been volatile and erratic with emotion for months.  Would I be sad, angry, pained, dejected, or irritated?  I was utterly elated.  If someone would have told me it would be even better then the moment Donnie Wahlberg pulled me out of an audience at the mall to sing cover girl to me, I know I would not have believed it.  Maybe the enlightened moment in my life will be this one, the eradication of malevolence.  The journey was one I had to experience on my own with the amazing support of family and incredible friends.  Thanks to all of you who have sent your kind words in my moments of despair and encouraged my integrity in those flickers of weakness.  It is weird to feel so much from just a signature on a piece of paper, I am not sure what it says about me that I couldn’t let go until it was signed and recognized by a court, for me tangible and real.  I shouldn’t say let go, I immediately let go upon the discovery of the affair.  I moved states and started a new life and ceased all communication between us.  We were as separated as two people could be but there was a legal thread that linked us together.  On the flip side, many people say marriage is just a piece of paper, it’s truly how you live and share your lives but there was something in those short vows for me, something in that commitment, the signed certificate that I believed in the tradition of marriage.  That piece of paper meant something special to me and I never knew divorce papers would be just as special. Now onto living a full life of honesty, integrity and still believing in love.  Not a teenage Donnie Wahlberg or Taylor Lautner crush or a false love built on years of lies.  Onto true man crushes….Gerard Butler Palm Springs was magical.   So what if he had no idea I was at the same bar.  Walking down the path of dissolution and experiencing it fully with every high and low has lead me to ultimate freedom. Welcome back Melissa, welcome back.         

Happiness in the present is only shattered by a comparison of the past.

It was the complete cliché the young 23 year old girl, the office “assistant” that sleeps with the married man.  There I was the unsuspecting and devoted wife.  Several have asked how I felt about the “younger” woman.  The other cliché is the portrayal of the wife lamenting over her age and jealousy over the mistresses youth.  Her age and youth never really crossed my mind.  I am sure she was probably thinner, her booty probably firmer, her skin probably smoother, and her hair probably thicker.  None of that ever really bothered me, I may be getting older but no one will ever have a better rack then me J  Okay for real it wasn’t about her or me I can only live one cliché at a time.  She could have been anyone therefore there is nothing special or amazing about her.  He never wanted a true connection or real relationship, then he would have to be honest about himself a selfish, money obsessed, arrogant and pompous fame follower.  Can she really be that great of a person with the knowledge of him being married the majority of the time they have been together.  I do not know a decent or good person who would knowingly sleep with someone that was married.  I am sure he told her and many others all sorts of great lies about us and our marriage to try to justify his actions.  I was initially surprised at her continued affection towards a man that abandons his family and child.  Although the ease and speed in finding her families contact information, during my recent lack of morality, stemmed from her internet plea to find her own father.  Maybe having another father leave his family and child for her is the ultimate sign of love and that is why she tweeted a picture of them stating, “I win”.   There is no competition for a morally devoid, malicious, deceitful, conniving and habitual liar who manipulates situations to be, as he wants.  She is just another body for him, just another person he can easily influence and trample when she doesn’t fit in with the partying, VIP lists, money, his charade of success.  A person that contributes and encourages a parent to abandon their child is heinous.  And don’t think for a second I put this on her, these are his choices and this blog would be a million posts long describing how horrendous I think his choices are.   But she had a part in all of this, although she could have been anyone, that is why I never physically, emotionally or mentally compared myself to her.   She will never amount to the woman I am.  Yes I failed in my marriage but it never had a chance with the duplicitous lies.  I am successful in my career and most importantly my true relationships.  Loyal, thoughtful, caring, responsible, supportive, joyful, compassionate, and moments of mischief. All of that and with a great rack ;) Maybe that is how I should start my online dating profile, when I make one.  That would be sure to get a date or two.  Damn it okay I get it that’s where I go haywire with attracting the wrong guys.  At least it’s better then “enjoys cheating, sleeping with married men, contributing to the divorce rate and encouraging father abscentism”.

The classic tale-girl meets boy, boy breaks girl's heart.

Planes and therapists offices have the same affect on me, I get emotional.  Although you cannot tell from this blog as I have put all my emotions out there, I am truly not one for outward emotion.  My kryptonite is planes and therapists.  On a fourteen-hour flight across the globe I get teary watching a plethora of different types of movies.  A few years ago at 30,000 feet there I am eyes filled with tears when Dora and Marlin get separated in Finding Nemo.  It’s ridiculous, I had seen the movie before, it’s animated and really when the movie title is Finding Nemo, you know they will find him.  I think it has something to do with the temperature always being a little warm, a small space, and pumping oxygen.   As the finality of the divorce gets closer I am finding myself a bit unsettled.  It’s a mixed bag of grief for the loss of hopes and dreams in my marriage, frustration over wanting justice, fear of getting back “out there” and embarrassment at my blindness.  Therefore I head back to therapy.   Before this major event in my life I hadn’t really sought out anyone to analyze my thoughts or feelings.  I am mostly happy go lucky and pretty good at handling life.  Although all of their offices are the same small and cozy, well heated and the standard issue comfy couch with Kleenex box in reach.  I am completely generalizing as I have only been to three, a move, a change in insurance companies and here I am telling my story to a therapist for the third time.  Squished and settled in the comfy couch and warm cozy room I tear up.  It’s a little deeper than being on a plane shedding tears over a clown fish.  I explain how annoyed I am by the glimpse I took into their lives several weeks ago and how frustrated I am with myself.  One that I caved and looked but the other is that they seem to live a normal life spending a romantic weekend in Catalina, I had asked him to take me there a thousand times.   I wouldn’t go with him now for a million dollars but why am I annoyed.  The therapist says three words, you loved him.  I have been so focused on the betrayal, lies and manipulation that I lost sight of the real reason I am hurt is because I loved him.  With the end in sight I have to grudgingly admit that I loved a man I did not really know and one who’s actions I abhor.  When you take away all of the layers here sits a girl with a broken heart.