Planes and therapists offices have the same affect on me, I get emotional. Although you cannot tell from this blog as I have put all my emotions out there, I am truly not one for outward emotion. My kryptonite is planes and therapists. On a fourteen-hour flight across the globe I get teary watching a plethora of different types of movies. A few years ago at 30,000 feet there I am eyes filled with tears when Dora and Marlin get separated in Finding Nemo. It’s ridiculous, I had seen the movie before, it’s animated and really when the movie title is Finding Nemo, you know they will find him. I think it has something to do with the temperature always being a little warm, a small space, and pumping oxygen. As the finality of the divorce gets closer I am finding myself a bit unsettled. It’s a mixed bag of grief for the loss of hopes and dreams in my marriage, frustration over wanting justice, fear of getting back “out there” and embarrassment at my blindness. Therefore I head back to therapy. Before this major event in my life I hadn’t really sought out anyone to analyze my thoughts or feelings. I am mostly happy go lucky and pretty good at handling life. Although all of their offices are the same small and cozy, well heated and the standard issue comfy couch with Kleenex box in reach. I am completely generalizing as I have only been to three, a move, a change in insurance companies and here I am telling my story to a therapist for the third time. Squished and settled in the comfy couch and warm cozy room I tear up. It’s a little deeper than being on a plane shedding tears over a clown fish. I explain how annoyed I am by the glimpse I took into their lives several weeks ago and how frustrated I am with myself. One that I caved and looked but the other is that they seem to live a normal life spending a romantic weekend in Catalina, I had asked him to take me there a thousand times. I wouldn’t go with him now for a million dollars but why am I annoyed. The therapist says three words, you loved him. I have been so focused on the betrayal, lies and manipulation that I lost sight of the real reason I am hurt is because I loved him. With the end in sight I have to grudgingly admit that I loved a man I did not really know and one who’s actions I abhor. When you take away all of the layers here sits a girl with a broken heart.
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