A Runke no longer.

I am extremely happy to feel like this journey has come to an end and I have my true name back.  Signing everything with his last name the first few months was a complete slap in the face multiple times a day but as the months crawled by it bothered me less and less.  There is a huge sense of freedom that comes by reclaiming who I am and leaving behind the name of a person that treated me so horribly.  The few things that kept me from loosing it and bawling my eyes out when signing his last name at starbucks, the grocery store, every lunch or dinner out, at the therapists, the signing of my lease, was his family.  I am still baffled at his lack of integrity, values and compassion that the other namesakes possess.  His father a savvy business man who is a great listener, supportive and kind.  I adored our morning chats.  It became a cherished routine whenever we visited and something I always looked forward too.  His mom always surprises me with her energy, enthusiasm and positivity for every moment in her life.  The time she gives to the grandkids by playing games for hours and including them in the everyday mundane activities and making it fun for them.  Her's is a tremendous skill that so many people and families are lacking these days.  The one major regret over the last year was not being there for his mother when going through a leg amputation because of cancer.  I get that my husband and I were not connecting and through out the health difficulties with his mom, I tried to work every angle to be supportive to him.  I was so focused on him and the lack of us but now I know he was already invested in someone else. I let him dictate and impeded my involvement, instead of owning my own relationship with her.  I really love her and should have been there.  His sister who is a shinning example of an amazing wife and mother.  The most important of the namesakes is his daughter.  She is growing into an astonishing lady.  I know I am not her mother and will never measure up to her, in her eyes, but I really did enjoy sharing the same name with a fantastic girl.  She is compassionate, determined, confident and silly.  It warmed my heart whenever anyone mistook her as being my child.  It happened more often when we shared the same last name and having someone assume this kind and dynamic little girl was mine, felt like an honor.  While I am thrilled to be who I am again and the dissolution will not severe my relationship with his family, I will miss the named connection to these admirable people I value and love.