A nightmare on my street and the stranger beside me.

The physical manifestation of betrayal is like the 360 head spin of Linda Blair in the exorcist.  I saw all of their Skype communication for eight months and it was not the sex im’s that bothered me.  It was the pre-meditated malicious maneuvering he chose to do to both his daughter and myself.  As with any affair there are the expected late night dinners and work trips the wife doesn’t know they were on together.  Those were bad enough, he said he would go into work early but no, he went to her bed after leaving ours.   While his parents were visiting saying he was going surfing in the morning but again seeing her.  While my parents and I were taking his daughter to Disneyland he was spending the nights with her in a hotel at a work event.   The invasion of uncontrollable emotions snatches your physical body and lasts for days and weeks.  The shaking, inability to process stop signs or lights, order coffee, pay a parking meter, or be able to speak a coherent sentence lasts the first few days.  The shortness of breath, constant thirst, heat radiating from every cell, breaking out in hives, constant stomach pain and the uncontrollable tears lasted a few weeks. I obsessed over the details of their communication I had captured on my phone.  My first inclination, I wanted all of the information to dissect the dates, times, where they went, what he said and what she said.  This is the part in the scary movie where everyone is saying don’t go down to the basement but they always do and I did.  The monster in the basement is there, I wanted so badly for it to be a joke or not real.  I wanted to find the sweet Sully from Monsters Inc but I found a monster that was more like Freddy Kruger, Michael, or Jason.  If you can avoid knowing the details, do. It might have saved me some money on calamine lotion, water, an inhaler, Tums and most importantly a little of my sanity. We were in a situation that I felt I had to stay to show support and love for his little girl who had been working on a play for months and the performances were that week.  We were lucky that we had a guesthouse but I would advise to make the proximity of interaction as wide as possible.  It is blindingly emotional and the physical and mental manifestation process is like every cell in your body violently vomiting when faced with that person.  Since we were still in somewhat of proximity I had two exorcist moments, I did get to yell and express my shock, anger and pain.  In retrospect it didn’t matter, it had been over for him eight months ago and maybe our entire union never mattered.  He was getting everything he had wanted for months and it was as sudden as a brutal Kruger or Jason attack for me.  The most revolting reaction was mine, this is the nightmarish part of the movie where the victim escapes running to get help from the next stranger only to find that same evil person behind the wheel. I wanted so badly to run to him and tell him about this sociopath and all the lies he had told me and how hurt I was.  I still wanted to share my hurt and pain with my partner, it’s sick and demented.  I know now, he didn’t deserve my time, my pain was too good for him, my tears worth more than any diamond he put on my finger. He lied for months and possibly years nothing he could say would be believable. He finally showed his full character, all of himself and he was a stranger.

Leaving is easy, not knowing the truth of your last eight years is difficult.

Lies, lies and more lies.  I am a smart, confident and savvy woman how did I not know?  The jilted wives in the movies I thought were so unbelievable.   They must have known or suspected something.  Now my viewpoint is completely different.  He was distant and we were not connecting but I never thought he would cheat or have an eight-month affair.   I trusted him completely, blindly, as any couple should trust.   On one communication back in February she asked if him if he had always cheated on his wife.  She knew he was married, what woman sleeps with a married man? That was shocking in itself but his response was worse “have a I been 100% faithful, NO”.  My entire marriage was a farce.  The last four years of my life were an illusion.   Every time we spoke, every conversation we had, every time we were together, every meal we had, every moment of my last four years was a lie.  When confronting him on their conversations he said he was dating other people when we were dating.  Now the entire eight years we were together were completely false.  We had the exclusivity talk before we moved in together.  Did he fall on his head and have amnesia and forget he was a boyfriend, a fiancé and ultimately a husband.  No car accidents and no falls off a cliff, it was his choice to continuously lie, manipulate and betray me.  All of his actions, words and thoughts for eight years to see other women, were intentional.  The most hurtful, deceptive and frightening communication was the exchange a day after the “I am unhappy” confrontation we had. He said to this girl, “I plan on being single soon, will you stay with me here so I can still be a dad”.  Was I going to be a Friday night Dateline Mystery expose?  He had been planning for months to have this new girl move right into my place as an acting wife and his daughter’s caregiver.  Would she clean the house, make dinners, do the shopping and attend to the “family” errands? That particular Skype was done on a night when his daughter and I were home, sitting there in the living room together, with him, as a family.  Who is this person I married? What mental disorder must he have to function in this way?  This was pre-meditated and continuous in every moment of my life for at least eight months.  Probably even years and maybe the entire relationship based on his comments of never being faithful.  There should be a criminal law against this type intentional, deliberate, and calculated manipulation.  The wounds are not out-right physical but no less hurtful.

In girl scouts I earned the first aid badge, I know how to tend to wounds, deal with a heart attack, car crash, etc.  There really should be a girls scout badge for surviving cheating partners. It’s odd to say but if there was a physical wound I could go to the hospital or drug store, gather the gauze, anti-septic, wrapping and sew up the gashes and abrasions. Visually and physically observing the transformation of the wounds healing as time passes.  More importantly I could file charges and he would be forced by the state to take responsibility for the injuries he created.  He would be held responsible.  California is a “no-fault” divorce state and he got everything he wanted, zero responsibility to a wife, daughter, dog, house, and family.  Except, I found out.  I have come to terms with the fact that I will never know the truth of our relationship but finding out about two of his vices made leaving incredibly easy.   Girls scout detective badge, check.

Why I choose to tell my story.

These stories are deeply personal and when I read it I want to look away, even though I am living it. This is the ugly and disgusting side of marriage no one wants.  I share because I felt incredibly alone on this journey.  It is the subject matter of movies, television shows and gripping love songs but I thought miles away from me.  In the beginning there is an overwhelming feeling of shame and humility that I couldn’t hold my marriage together.  The betrayal is crushing and the sense of loss over a fictional life I lead was bewildering.  How do you move forward and make decisions, when for the last eight years your decisions were based on a lifetime expectation of “us” and “we”.  That is why I give you my story.  I hope that someone else won’t feel alone and take solace in an aspect of my experience.  Possibly learn from my mistakes and find laughter in some of the ironic and preposterous moments.  Being deceived in the most intimate way is awful and disturbing but you can choose to move on and live a great life of love.  I felt I needed to give you the background culmination of events that lead to this point in my life.  What I really want to share are the actions I took immediately following and the adventures I continue to navigate daily.  These are the steps I am taking and the story of how I am pulling myself together.

A few of you may think what about “them”, do they want this story out there for the cyber world to see? Obviously once I knew her name, I googled her.  On the very fist hit it showed her twitter account and in the following subject lines showed my husbands name.  They tweeted so often his name comes up under the first hit on a google search of her.  I didn’t even know my husband had a twitter account.  Reading their months of comments and responses it was clear they had an intimate relationship and were sharing it on twitter.  She had even posted a picture of my husband with her best friend with the caption “The loves of my life” all months before I knew.  They put their relationship out there for months and now I choose to share a complete story.  There was a wife, daughter, dog, cat, home and a lifetime of promises and lies.

The ugly truth and best $350 I ever spent!

Over the next few days we talked further and he was as attentive and caring as he had been in the amazing moments of our relationship.   Held me, talked to me, told me all the loving things I wanted to hear.  He left it in my hands, do I stay with someone who doesn’t want children, give up my dreams and save my marriage.   The devastation I felt was tremendous.   I thought my 35^th birthday was crappy my 36^th birthday was horrendous.  I found a therapist immediately.  I needed someone who didn’t know us, didn’t know me, and could be partial.  I knew in my heart of hearts I could never be with someone who asked me to give up my dreams.  The therapist was amazing and I happened to mention the pictures I saw.  She asked me if I was trusting or did I always snoop and I trusted him completely.  She said this is obviously something that is not sitting well with you and maybe you need to explore it.  The $350 I spent for that advice was the best money a girl could spend.  I know I could have bought a Kate Spade purse, a strappy pair of Jimmy Choo’s, or a new club chair.  What I got was the courage and curiosity I needed.  A week later he left his computer open on the bed.  He wasn’t home and those words echoed in my head “maybe you need to explore it”.   I clicked on the Skype icon and looked up the co-workers name.  There it all was.  It was August 15^th  just a few days after my birthday and I saw all of their communication back to January.  Really eight and a half months and I didn’t know.  I saw it all every bit of communication.  I was shaking, and his daughter knocking on the door asking if I was ready to go to the movies yet.  Holy crap I am shaking, shaking, shaking, and shaking.  Really this is all happening.  I got my phone and took pictures, I’ve seen enough movies to know I needed proof.   I took his daughter to the movies and tried to act normal.  My mouth was dry, I couldn’t breath and I was shaking.   I still have no clue how I drove a car.  There should be some sort of law “against affair discovery driving” AADD. After the movie I texted him “you lying, cheating, bastard, glad I can babysit your daughter while you are out on a date with Raechel”.  He said I was crazy; he had no idea what I was talking about and was on his way home.  When he got home he continued to deny it until I said let’s look at your computer or even better we could just look at the pictures on my phone.  He finally admitted it.  He was going to make me think our marriage was over because he didn’t want kids and knew it was my deal breaker.  Who was this person in front of me?  It is amazing how quickly the heart can go from unconditional love to bitter hatred when so intimately betrayed.  

Background- The Devastation

He’s “unhappy”.  On July 4^th he made this declaration.  You have a loving wife who has supported your every move, your daughter just moved full time into your life, you have a job you love, you travel, and your wife is taking care of all the cleaning, majority of cooking, dog walking, shopping, etc but “he was unhappy”.  Seriously, I lost my shit.  I was making every effort and there was no effort on his part but “he was unhappy”.  I told him he needed to find a therapist and let me know when he knew what would make him happy.  Little did I know then he knew exactly what made him happy.  They were two things and maybe more he never wanted me to know.  After further conversations over the next few weeks he said he loved me more than anything and would work on his own issues.  He said it was all due to the stress of his fast paced and demanding job.  Later that month his parents visited and my parents visited.  It was clear we were still having a fight hangover and I was upset by his comments.  I was glad that he was not around while my parents were visiting.  He was at an event in downtown LA and staying there.  As with any twelve-year-old pre-teens there were some challenging hormone filled days.  On one of those days, I texted him that I needed to talk and needed support in handling his daughter.  All day he kept saying he would call but never did.  That night I knew I would be able to find a picture of him drinking at the events his work required him to attend.  I was angry, if I was a nanny or babysitter he would have called.  I wanted to text him the picture of himself drinking and rub it in that he was too busy drinking to call his wife, for five minutes of support to deal with his daughter.  Well I found some pictures, nothing inappropriate but several posted from a co-worker I did not know.   When he came home the next night we had a large discussion about my efforts as a wife and caregiver to his daughter and my needs of him as a husband.  This was the night before our 4^th wedding anniversary and we talked for a long time about our future.  At the conclusion of that discussion and his adamant declaration of love and devotion to me, he said, “I don’t want to have kids”.  The stars fell out of the sky that night, my lifetime of dreams were crushed. 

Can you give up the largest dream in your heart, soul and being?  Can you stay with someone that asks you to give up your most cherished dream?  

Background- Only you can set you free.

The move to LA was challenging but good.  We became closer in those first few months and he was so excited about his new position.  It was an incredible next step for his career.  It was good for a few months and then it all unraveled.  In November of that year my family came down for Thanksgiving and he was completely aloof.  In December and through the holidays he was extremely distant.  Then the New Year hit, I came down with Pneumonia, he severed two tendons in a finger, had four surgeries in the next five months.   He was traveling extensively and I found myself alone frequently.  His daughter’s mom decided to divorce in April and his daughter moved in with us full time.  The mom stayed with us for a month and a half as well.  I was happy to open our home to her, she needed help and how can I not offer to help someone that is family, I thought we would be tied together forever.   I was ecstatic to have his daughter move in, I really love her like she is my own.  I was overjoyed for him, this was one of his dreams becoming a reality.  I thought he would make an effort to be home with his daughter but it was the two of us.  One of my faults is pride as I am not a woman that begs for anything.  I like supporting myself and not having to rely on anyone but me.  When attending college in San Francisco there was a few weeks when I was challenged to make ends meet and for a week only consuming PB&J’s for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I finally called my parents and through my tear filled call asked for some money.  They have always been supportive and would jump at the chance to help me, but I have a profound desire to succeed in everything on my own.  In remembering the communications with my husband for almost a year I stood my ground, demanded and fought then eventually begged, even pleaded for his time and attention.  The loving and kind words expressed to gain his affection were pathetic.  I thought he was overwhelmed needing time and support to get a handle on his demanding job.   Finding a way to balance a new routine with me, and now the addition of his daughter.  I found myself planning my life around his career, his travel schedule, his needs, and his daughter.  I recognized all of this when it was happening but wanted to be a loving and supportive wife.   In trying to create a family life that would work for him, I was losing myself.

Background- They dream in courtship but in wedlock wake.

I found my prince but I am smart enough to know marriage is not a fairytale.  There is a shift from that consuming and irresistible romantic love of overly adorable nicknames and “no you hang up first” moments, to a deep-rooted love.  The kind built on hundreds of small memories, moments, and secret looks shared together.  I will catapult the background story forward to move you into what I truly want to share as my journey.   Just over a year into the relationship we moved to Vermont, he proposed, we bought a house, got married and settled into our careers.  We didn’t settle into our marriage or our lives it was our careers.   We both had positions with different companies that we excelled at.  We found challenges, rewards and traveled the world separately. Looking back I would have said we both wanted to be loved but I think in very different ways.  I wanted the lifetime of love and devotion of those small moments and he wanted the romantic dopamine induced chemical reaction a sustained “love-high”.  I can tell you there is not a chance of a romantic “love-high” after being together for years and dealing with jet lag.  You do want nothing more than to be with your loved one but after 27 hours of traveling when you feel like your head is numb, insides bloated, not sure if you have shaved your legs lately, wondering what underwear you are wearing, and know that the last meal you ate on the plane did not yield great kissing breath, only to collapse asleep sitting up while still trying to share your stories and so badly wanting to hear his.  On the flip side it is agonizing to have spent the day cleaning and preening to great your loved one only to find them in that same jet lagged state.  It’s almost like a first date that goes wrong every time.  The chemically induced rip your clothes off romance did become less frequent and enchanting.   In my perception it was replaced with many fun, sweet and savory moments that develop in ones everyday life.  The moment at a BBQ when you look across the yard and share that secret smile.  The times one of you gets up early to make the other’s favorite breakfast.  When it’s snowed a few feet and the first one up starts the other’s car for them.  I never recognized that he did not see these moments as love just an act to gain physical affection, but it changed from that dopamine induced reaction to what I felt as real love.  The marriage flowed like many marriages of being connected and disconnected.  Living in Vermont was a struggle for him and his everyday attitude exhibited that strain.  It is difficult to live with someone spent in negativity.  We agreed that re-locating would be a great opportunity for both of us personally and professionally.  I didn’t know then it would alter our relationship forever.

Background- The Princess Diaries

After thirty-three years, this is the bent and tarnished tiara my Auntie Jo made for my third birthday.  I have this vivid memory of being in kindergarten at show and tell, letting everyone know I was a real princess.  When my dad tucked me in every night he kissed me and said “I love you princess”, of course I was a real princess.  I had an amazing childhood, I knew I was special and I still have the tiara to prove it.  My parents, family and all the people they chose to bring into my life celebrated who I was.  I attribute my strength, drive and aspiration to be a good person to each of these fantastic people that nurtured me through the years.   When I met my, not  soon enough, to be ex-husband, he put me on a pedestal.   Unlike many of the guys I dated, he was attentive, supportive, and loving.  How do you know he’s the one?  In my story it was one defining moment.  On our second Christmas together he gave me a framed letter he wrote.  It was every woman’s dream the words of unconditional love, devotion, a promise of family and vow to cherish me for a lifetime.  It wasn’t a proposal then but an acknowledgement of our love and how he felt.  It was what the Beast said to Beauty, Eric said to Ariel, Aladdin said to Jasmine, Shrek said to Fiona.   I didn’t need a prince to take care of me.  I had a great career, purchased my first house at 26, found volunteer work I loved, and enjoyed time with my friends and family.  I thought I found the one missing piece the love of my life, my prince.  Were the words ever real? Were they heartfelt? Did he take them off the Internet?  That framed letter is now just a story, a fable, and a tale.  The real and true princess in this story is his daughter.   She was five years old when I met her and I instantly fell in love all over again.  She challenged me as any kid would but her laughter, silliness, and childish innocence was enchanting.  I loved having her in my life.  Although I adore my tattered tiara, I pray that her tiara never loses its stones, bends or unravels as mine did.  

Background- The Make Out Sessions

As with any story you need the background, it starts when we met and we did not like each other.  A good kiss can change everything.  We worked at the same company and worked together minimally.  His agenda on the companies need for my area of expertise was not the same as the companies’ executive team.   I reported to the executive team.  We worked in the action sports industry and the atmosphere was young, exhilarating and galvanizing.   The gatherings at bars, bowling, dinners and events were always entertaining.  A late night, too many drinks and we kissed.  Even though I wasn’t sure about his personality at that point, he was handsome. Short dark hair, amazing eyes, and he had great style.  It was the proverbial “hook-up” that brought us together.  Minds out of the gutter please, it wasn't a full hook up or one night stand.  It was a night of sensational kissing, it was thrilling and invigorating.  After a few real dates, more make out sessions, I got to know him.  In dating each of us puts the best of ourselves out there in the beginning.  We want someone to be invested a bit before we show the entirety of us, the tarnished edges.  Will they love the imperfections, dents and scratches of events and memories that shape who we are. The more we made out and learned about each other the more connected we became.  My blemishes began to show and he dealt with them all.  We were falling in love and the flaws he did show were manageable.  A good make out session can definitely rattle your senses but I don’t think “love is blind”.  I saw what he let me see.  I adored many of his traits, most importantly he was driven and passionate about his life and career.  It is always the things we think we want that inevitably hurt us in the end.  

As with most stories, I give you the preface.

This is my journey and my story of my dissolution of marriage.   There are only two options in filing for divorce in California one is the dissolution and second is incurable insanity.   There was an immediate involuntary movement in my mind and therefore my hand to click incurable insanity.  From my point of view my soon to be ex-husband is in desperate need of professional help.  I sighed deeply and now knowing, realize the four years of marriage and eight years of “us” was just an illusion.  I wanted it to end immediately so I checked the dissolution box.  Ending a marriage seems so much more than check this box and fill in this field only. I wanted to convey all the ugly details of being manipulated, betrayed and lied to, where was the box on the form to dump all my emotions into.  Shouldn’t it all be filed together.  The government workers sifting through the court paperwork would have a much better read and could moonlight as writers for the Lifetime Movie Network.  Seriously, how can a court grant a fair divorce with out the sordid and horrible details?  I am starting to understand now, people lie.  It would be hard to find the absolute truth.   That is why I tell you this is my story, I will be as open and honest as possible.