The Holidays

I didn’t think the holidays would be that hard.  And it wasn’t hard being single or almost divorced.  I didn’t have to worry if “he” bought the gifts he was supposed to or sent the cards he said he would.  With all the lies I really have no idea if he ever sent the gifts or cards he said he would for friends and families birthdays, weddings and new babies.  I didn’t have to worry if “he” was having a good time at this holiday party or family gathering.  I now realize why he was never really comfortable with his family or mine at the holidays, living a false life must make it awkward at those genuine moments.  This year it was just me, my real life.  I had my friends, my family, sweet Mugsy, a great place to live, and one of my dream jobs.  I haven’t given up on maybe finding a new “real” love or possibly having my ultimate dream of children.  Tonight was a different painful moment; I didn’t know I could be so incredibly happy while possessing a heavy heart. I know many family members read this blog and have been incredibly supportive. But the two people I want most to be happy are my parents.  Tonight was the first night in many years my Mom’s entire side of the family had been able to get together due to location logistics.  It was fantastic to have everyone together.  People always talk about laughter being the most potent form of medicine, if it were true they would just need one night with all of us.  From my most private thoughts that I have shared with basically the world it is no secret that I want children of my own but that may not be an opportunity.   I am not exactly sure that I have reconciled or made peace with this probability but at least I know it lingers at the edges of what may be a reality for me. But watching that reality be a possibility for my parents, feels more devastating than what it could mean for me.  As mentioned before I absolutely won the family lottery with the best parents and family any kid could dream for.  It’s with a heavy heart that I watch the dynamics in which my mom and dad have no grandchildren to call their own.  It’s one thing for me to talk about my furry child Mugsy but my parents having no pictures of an infant, toddler or child to show pictures of is beyond devastating to me.  They provided me with the most amazing parenting skills and yet I have no child to practice them on, as well as the mistakes.   Tonight we were all together the parents, aunts, uncles, cousin’s and the kids.  I loved every minute except the absence of my little ones feet and laughter. Will my parents ever get the grandchild I so desperately want and they deserve to spoil. According to Peter Ducker, the best way to predict the future is to create it.  I may have to take you up on that.  In a few years I may be asking all of you what you think of sperm donor #178943.