I make mistakes, I stumble on my path, at times I can be a
bitch and it all comes down to intentions and actions. I read this great satirical about the
characters on Mad Men, what really makes a good or bad person? Do intentions count, or are we defined
by our actions? We deal with personal morality daily, the struggle to stay true
to those we have built, we toil over redefining our morals as we open our minds
to new information and experiences and we strain to reconcile, accept,
appreciate and tolerate others principals. It only seemed absolutely right and natural for me to
continue my incredible relationship with his daughter. It’s been almost a year since I
discovered that I had stepped back into this trendy retro world of the 60’s and
my life was altered by womanizing, sexism, and an archaic patriarchal
entitlement all of which was a complete surprise to me. Hmmm am I more of a Betty Draper or
Trudy Campbell? The last few
months of our life together, I took care of his daughter more like June Cleaver
than anyone on Mad Men. I didn’t
choose not to be her step mom. My
dream a year ago today was that I would be pregnant with a brother or sister
for her and felt so excited that she would be living with us and we could be a
family. Hoping her mom would end
up staying in California that we could all live within a few blocks and become
one of the new modern quintessential American families. There is something to a Mad Men/ Modern
Family drama-edy, Madmily, Madern, Famen.
Brilliant, I know. It’s
going to need a ton of re-writes with the lack of swagger from a Don Draper
or Roger Sterling type main character who at least struggle and have some angst
during their moral crises. The
lack of integrity and veracity in the Pete Campbell-ish main character of my
story would get old fast. Back to
my real life story, I love his daughter more than anything and asked his
parents if she could come out to visit during her summer break. I didn’t clearly express what I was
willing and not willing to pay for.
Of course I would be funding all that we did and ate while she was here
and I assumed either his family or him would pay for her transportation. While I thought we were a “real” family
I paid her school fees, school supplies, doctor co-pays, contributed towards
furniture, bedding, and most of the day-to-day food, shampoo and all the while he spent money
on hotels, dinners and lingerie (of course non of which was for me). I would love nothing more than to continue to be a positive
force in her life but she is not mine.
Therefore after several emails of determining the miscommunication I had
to call her and tell her we could not make it work right now. He walked away from everything. I moved, found a new place to live, a
new job, new furniture, rebuilt my life, still stumbling to establish a new and
different relationship with his family, and here I am for the first time
disappointing his daughter. Ugh, I
couldn’t make it through the call with out crying and of course she cried. He doesn’t have to try and keep a
relationship with anyone in my life and he doesn’t have to talk to my
family. Yet here I am tackling my
good intentions and actions, which have lead to difficult conversations with
his daughter and family. It would
be so much easier to Mad Men this.
Sit in my office, down a couple of whiskey’s through out the day, find
someone to take advantage of and never create a deep and meaningful
relationship with family, friends, colleagues or lovers. To answer the original question, intentions
and actions are mutually important to determine our inherent decency. All of us that have the best of
intentions will manifest those into at least a few acts of decent reality. The difficult, awkward, challenging
conversations and situations are only moments on my intentional chosen path to
a meaningful life. Divorced and
deliberate in my choices, maybe I am more of Joan Harris. Sans the sleeping with married men or someone to save a
company. Although I do see some
gorgeous and vixenish curve hugging sheaths in my future.
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