The papers are getting somewhat close to final. There is a mix of overwhelming elation and at the same time an uneasy sadness. As I am sure you have all guessed, the angst is not about him or any regrets of leaving or immediately ending our marriage. It is more a grief for the loss of the marriage I wish I had had. Failing at something, even if I now know, it probably never would have worked, does not feel all that great either. I have been caught in this strange darkness between the sun setting on a life filled with lies and betrayal. Now I live in that hazy glow of Twilight when the moon and stars have set, the water takes on the color of indigo and the sky is a hazy warm blue grey. There are not any vampires or werewolves here, there was an evil to this story but I got far away as soon as I saw his true nature. No team Edward or Jacob. What I face now are the wonders of what my life may hold. In finalizing the last of the papers there were emails sent between the mediator, para-legal and my soon to be ex. His response email was terse and clearly said he was only in town one day the next week to provide what they were asking. Their response stated he would need to sign more items. With in a few hours his next correspondence he stated he would be in town all of next week and be available. I had to laugh. There was no point or reason to lie to the people facilitating our divorce. I have struggled over the past months reconciling with how easily he lied and manipulated my life. Mulled over our life together to understand when it may have started, how many women, our moments together, our moments apart and how I came to be where I am now. It’s crazy to think I will never know the truth of my last almost eight years with this person. This simple lie between him and the divorce team was absurd and unnecessary. I can only surmise that lies flow so readily from him, in everything he does. This is going to sound crazy but I finally felt “not alone”. My family and friends have been an amazing source of support and all have tried to offer the comforting words of, “you are not alone”. Yeah I know, 50% of marriages end in divorce. I have reconnected with a few friends and we have lamented over our shared experience of divorce. Although I still felt isolated as each situation is unique. This nonsensical and pointless lie from him to our divorce team was the moment I finally didn’t feel alone. I realize I was most likely one of a very large group of people he so effortlessly and has continuously lied to. If he lied to his wife and divorce facilitators, I can only naturally assume it extends to friends, family, colleagues, business associates, daughter and I can clearly prove to the mistress. Especially after seeing a large portion of their communication. The enlightenment from this moment is the “was”, unlike anyone else still in his life; I have eradicated myself from that group. Okay, I’ll admit I’m on team Jacob. The truth is the sun is going to rise and I will cherish watching the sky light up in all its magnificent hues. If there happens to be a guy that looks like Jacob with a hot cappuccino that appears on that sun filled horizon, I'll take it. Oh add a chocolate croissant.
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