The Exam

Being a female every year you make the annual appointment for the gynecologist. The metal stirrups and flimsy paper outfit is not fun but necessary.   My last appointment was in October of the previous year and in moving I did a ton of research to find one of the best gynecology departments as I thought we would be starting a family.  The doctor had a frank discussion about my age and pregnancy and said the sooner the better.   There is nothing like realizing you may run out of time on a dream.  Okay I’ll never make So You Think You Can Dance, I won’t be an Olympic gymnast, not that I ever had that talent but I liked the thought and I can’t go back in time to be prom queen.   It was official, confirmed by the doctor, my clock was ticking.  Obviously with my husband’s schedule, disconnect and travel we never got down to discussing it again, until the night before our four year anniversary.   The night he said he didn’t want kids, although he said he was ready two years previous. Anyway after finding out about the affair my therapist mentioned I needed to get tested for STD’s and HIV.  I think my jaw hit the floor, not only had he betrayed me but now I could have possibly have something.   After taking the hottest shower, scrubbing and wishing I could dip myself in bleach, I made an appointment.  When I arrived the nurse asked why I had made a request for a full work up and through ever more tears that week, I told my story.   The last thing you want to do when betrayed is be in a vulnerable position and sitting there completely naked with a paper vest that barely reaches your belly button and a paper cloth over my lap was more than uncomfortable.  Rationally I knew I was at a doctor’s office so it shouldn’t be a big deal.  But emotionally, coupling the paper outfit with the thought that the next time I thought I would face the stirrups would be because I was pregnant, not getting tested for STD’s from my own husband.  This was humiliating.  The nurse and doctor were absolutely amazing.  The last person to explore that region was living a double life and here was someone with a spotlight, magnifying glass and tools all up in my business.   During the exam all I could think was at least the doctor had good intentions for my overall health.  This woman I met twice had more kindness and concern for me than the man I married did.   Those thoughts made the appointment easier and I held onto the pride of being a responsible adult, taking charge of my sexual health, no matter what happened.  I was very lucky that all my tests came back negative.  The nurse was hilarious in sharing stories of her ex-husband and had me laughing by the time I left.  I dreaded this appointment more than anyone could have known, and I survived. The last thing the nurse said to me was “girl you go out tonight and you do you”.   I am happy I get to focus on me but I keep glancing over my shoulder to look at that clock.